Pieces

Why the Internet Already Hates ‘The Craft’ Remake

the craft

If you haven’t heard about the mayhem that is the recently announced remake of the 1996 teen witch film, The Craft, please go and educate yourself. Now come back. How do you feel? Angry? Nervous? Afraid? Excited? Couldn’t give a rat’s ass? Well if you fall into any of those categories, read on!

The internet, via literally every social media outlet, expressed its utmost hate and outrage for the Sony remake announcement, calling it yet another horrible remake that should never ever exist. Some reasons are valid, others are just out of sheer fear of failure. Here are some of the arguments against said remake:

You don’t fuck with The Craft!

This is the equivalent of remaking Titanic–you just don’t do it. There’s literally no reason to remake it, modernize it, spruce it up a bit, or do it in 3D. It was a one and done type of film with a cohesive beginning, middle, and end. Sure, some back story would be cool or even a “Where Are They Now?” feature, but not an entirely new movie. Absurdity.

It’s been like, what? 20 years? LESS THAN?

It’s not like we forgot about this movie in those years of adolescence and creeping adult hood. It’s still pretty relevant in pop culture and insanely fresh in the minds of horror fans and goth girls. Hell, remake a film that was done in black and white, at least you’d have a some what decent reason to do it. (Look ma, it’s in color now!) I mean it has a countless number of Tumblr accounts and fan sites dedicated to it. It’s still awesome, dammit!

The cast is still young and insanely gorgeous.

Sure, they’re in their 40s but they could still pull off their previous roles of the wicked hot and wicked cool witches. We all know actors who are in their late 20s play high school students in horror movies, so why can’t these babes still pull it off? This is also reaffirming the point that its only been 20 years. Come on now. How about you remake a silent film and add in wooooords? That’d be revolutionary.

The expectations are WAY too high and the new actors’ gene pool is WEAK.

Fairuza Baulk’s performance and sheer persona was sickening in this and every other film she does. She is Nancy, completely. Nobody else can act that bat shit crazy on a whim. Nobody. Neve Campbell plays timid and evil and turncoat with ease. And let’s face it, this generation of new actors hasn’t given us a shining star. Sure, there’s been a few good ones in the past 5 years but they’re already considered too old. Such is life.

And let’s not forget…Sony fucked up and announced it RIGHT after the Jem and the Holograms trailer dropped.

The internet definitely hates that mockery of a trailer for Jem and the Holograms, completely and utterly loathes it. It was really bad timing on Sony’s behalf to release the announcement for a risky remake right after that insult of a film. With so many remakes coming out in the next two years, Americans are scared shitless that their beloved will soon be on the remake chopping block. Remake overload, big time. We scream ORIGINALITY and Hollywood gives us new versions and book adaptations. SMH.

Any remake is risky business, especially in the horror genre. We’re rabid fans and even more rabid critics. Beware.

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